2:14PM
I believe this one must be a no-margin entry, although I don’t have enough time for that—but I definitely have enough thoughts for it.
It’s still baffling to me how much I yearn for journaling. I wonder if I’ll eventually go back to my entries and recognize my strongest thoughts. Well, we’ll see.
I definitely needed to journal yesterday. It was a fairly heavy day, but I opted to do my nails and have some wine instead. I have so many things I’ve taken note of since my last entry that I don’t even know where to start. I feel myself trying to write faster just to make sure I get all my thoughts down.
Life is still beautiful and lively right now. Friendships and maintaining connections are still incredibly precious and valuable to me as well. I’m definitely stepping into adoring and obsessing over myself—a blessing and a curse.
I feel like I should start off talking about Mom’s ordination last night because it was heavier than I thought it’d be.
ACTUALLY WAIT—MY BROTHER, MY 오빠, GOT INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL YESTERDAY!!
It was an instant weep for me. It’s so heavy. Proud isn’t a strong enough word to describe how I feel. I believe I’ll be pouring my heart out about it in a card to him, so I won’t get too into it here, but wow. What a privilege it is to be his sister.
He’s amazing. Has always been, is, and always will be my muse, purpose, hero, and someone to work toward/look up to.
Now, back to the ordination.
It was beautiful, and I almost felt out-of-body about it. It presented my mom not as a mom, but as wildly human and her own person. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very aware of and comfortable with sonder, but I think the sheer pride I had for her made me feel it differently.
Within her humanity, though, I will say it hurt a bit. The realization that her life—and in return, our lives—is utterly devoted and sacrificed up to God.
I discussed earlier with my brother how eventually my entries will include my faith and beliefs, but I didn’t really realize how raw and painful it all still is. I remember after the service, I wanted nothing more than to bawl and release. Of course, part of it had to do with being back in that realm/space, but it was definitely intensified by seeing my mom up there.
I don’t really want to get emotional right now, but I may need to because it feels incredibly heavy on me at the moment. Yikes. We’ll see.
