6:52PM
Journaling from Illinois (Central Time) and in a hammock today! Beer between my legs, headphones blasting, perfectly tame weather, full belly (steak!!) today—not much more I can ask for. Happy Memorial Day!!
Being with family—as stressing as it can get—is so healing and rewarding. Last night (technically early this morning) was filled with guttural laughs and fun with [Cousin 1], [Brother], [Cousin 2], [Cousin 4], and Auntie [Redacted].
As we grow, it’s so beautiful to be a part of my extended family’s lives. The younger cousins are growing into lovely people, and I love this shift in my perspective. For so long I think I would place a weird pressure on myself to appear better and worthy of their love and admiration, but now—possibly through some humbling—I understand I can just be human and confident in who and what I am.
It’s definitely hard to witness my cousins (and family as a whole) perceive me as a whole, imperfect, muddled person, but I’ve found it freeing all the same. Some barrier that I must’ve placed on my own has come down, and I’ve opened my eyes to witness my family members as their own individual entities.
Perhaps I’m in a state where I’m starving for non-performative, valuable, and genuine moments right now. If that’s the case, I’m thankful. I love and value moments these days in what I’d like to think is a more present way.
Literally just now [Cousin 6] approached me, and as he just left I realize how much I value and love every ounce of interaction with my family members. I could definitely do a deep dive into those feelings, but I feel as though it’s implied—we’ve grown through life together, but also apart, with familial love but also our own loves, etc. etc.
With the aunts and uncles, I love soaking in as many experiences they share as I can. I adore getting to know them on that level. It’s always so valuable to piece together their past selves and experiences with who they’ve become and what they’ve built from them.
I keep saying this, but the sorrow and dread these days continuously become overtaken by the beauty that is life. At least recently, life has been presenting itself to me in a more holistic way—and I’m trying to take hold and grasp as much as I can.
Today was filled with physical activity, from hooping to volleyball, and it felt so cool and grand.
I’m in a weird state where I totally feel like I’m breathing again, deeply, yet there is still somewhat of a cloud over me. Today marked one month since the breakup, yet it’s felt like ages have passed. My feelings and thoughts on it definitely haven’t fully settled yet, but it’s also not something I feel I need to force. It has been coming in ripples, and the pain is definitely still there, but I think I must play catch-up in so many other areas in my life where it’s not a priority to dwell on and wallow.
I really hope I’m not harming myself without knowing right now, but it seems as though life is showing me (and God) its grandness so I can focus on the now and all that’s to come. It’s been so beautiful—even in the seemingly mundane or bad—that I can’t help but admire and adore it.
I also love how 2024 ended with giving me “presence and benevolence,” for I find myself loyally carrying those words with me every day. I see how it also worked as a manifestation for and over my life, and how “bloom” is too.
I’m definitely still working on having a full, unconditional love for myself, but at the same time I have noticed myself admiring me amidst life. I am feeling the tremors, shifts, growth, and blooming brewing within me.
It’s still painfully hard for me to put into action. I think about how, as I write these hopeful words, school is on the back burner, my apartment’s a mess, I haven’t applied to jobs, and even more—but in this moment I’ve been allowed peace, and what am I to do other than take it?
Recently I truly find myself starving for what life’s going to offer me, and I’m eating it up as much as I can.
These days even the leaves in the wind are twinkling and muttering how lovely it is that I am here in this life, alive.
